The Four Worst People You'll Encounter Whilst Studying
& How To Avoid Them
Looking back on
the experiences of the past two and a half years at university, it is easy to
see and understand the place where I have gained the most knowledge regarding
the world and its inner workings. In this place, surrounded by the opinions of
thousands, and the ideas that will eventually shape our perceptions far into the
future, many a student have sat and wondered: “what the fuck am I even doing
here”. That’s right, the library.
In the odd circumstance where actual proactive
working and progress is taking place, we encounter one of the four horseman of the
apocalypse. This article, notwithstanding its sarcastic undertones, will
hopefully serve all humble readers with the ability to not only recognise, but
also survive, the four worst kinds of people you will find in the library.
Note: These people
do actually exist and for the safety of all readers, the fork journal does not
recommend approaching them in any way. Failure to heed this warning may result
in immediate loss of sanity and faith in humanity.
"The Attention-Seeking "Young Professional" Using Hands-Free and/or Loudspeaker"
Firstly, we hate you. Not ‘hate’ like we hate studying statistics, but ‘hate’, as in how we feel about Scar from the Lion King. On the analogy of evil Disney villains, you are worse than Cruella De Vil. Secondly, no one cares about how bad your coffee was this morning, or how you might be home late because of “all this work you need to catch up on”.
We have all had experience with this person, but for the love of God, do not acknowledge them - this type craves attention! You have two options: firstly, give the random strangers around you a look of confusion mixed with disgust (aka ‘congust’) and signal towards Scar. If they give any sign of agreement, than yes, you are correct; this person is being a tool. Secondly, if you are with a friend, fellow sufferer, or group thereof, talk to louder levels than Scar’s arrogance can reach. They will get the hint pretty quickly and hopefully re-join us back in the land of sobriety; or at the very least, turn the phone off.
"The Person Eating Leftovers That Smells Better (Or Worse) Than Anything You Have, Or Ever Will Eat"
This person is the legitimate clone of Gordon Ramsey who, for some un-godly reason, decided to enrol at UC to retrain with an arts degree. All well and good for them, but for the rest of us “welcome to hell’s kitchen”. As a person, who for an entire year lived off of Coles bread and bulk-purchased Mi Goreng, what you are doing to me should be classed as a hate crime.
In this circumstance creativity is the key; if you are both on computers, perhaps bring up several pages relating to food allergies and very openly move away from the source of the aroma – no matter how delicious it may be. If all goes well, there is a high chance they will get the hint, and realised they could have potentially (but not really) killed you. At this point, you can go back to wishing you knew how to use a stove, and they can go back to never eating in the library again.
"The Authoritarian Group Assignment Participant Who Has Sold Their Soul To Fascism In Exchange For A High-Destinction"
Group assignments breed negativity just by existing. When tutors throw groups of students together who have no relationship with each other or understanding of each other’s academic endeavors, they create a student based, educational shit-storm.
The dislike towards this individual stems from two things, their Hitler-like tendencies and the pain felt towards those they are overpowering. If stuck in one of these groups, do not despair. Personal experience tells me that Hitler will likely want to do everything themselves, even if you have already done it. Smash out your section of the work, show up to the group meetings, and let the dictator take it from there. Once they realise trying to do an entire group assessment by themselves is like trying to enjoy Problem Evaluation and Resolution, they will have learned their lesson.
"The Bright-Eyed, Overly Excitable First-Years That Still Enjoy Studying"
This was me in my first year, and in hindsight, I must have pissed a lot of people off. We more take pity on this person due to an understanding of the brick wall they will soon hit when they finally understand that "P's get degrees". They are usually the ones you see in the corner, textbooks towering on their desk, looking intently at the next journal article in line from an endless reading list.
Surviving this person is easy: relish in the fact that you understand how much uni work you need to do in order to have a half-decent balance. Also, when this person finally comes around – buy them a beer, they are going to need it when their GPA slowly starts to plateau on a credit average.